Q. What, exactly, is the
Internet? A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.
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Q. Who runs
it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
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Q. How can I
get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe,
or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if
you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install
their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your
business.
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Q. What are the benefits of these
services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple,
"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no
previous computer experience -- to provide the online services with the
information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit
card bill forever.
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Q. What if I die?
A. They
don't care.
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Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of
course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q.
How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been
trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what
we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering
the Federal Witness Protection Program.
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Q. What if I
have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really
hurts.
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Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my
Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major
internal organs over to the online service right now.
-----
Q.
Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an
online service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end of things!
-----
Q. Like what?
A. You can ...
ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
-----
Q.
Chat?
A. Chat.
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Q. I can already chat. I chat with
my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of
whom are boring and stupid!
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Q. Sounds great! How does it
work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat
in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Homosexuals, Gay Teens who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys
Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can
contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names
such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real
identities.
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Q. What are their real identities?
A.
They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all
kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to
wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody
on the Internet!
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Q. Really?
A. No. You're almost
always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they
pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers,
etc.
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Q. What do people talk about in chat
areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating
topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally
fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to
women.
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