1. Take off
clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and
darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick
out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're
getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair
once with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6.
Wash your hair again with cucumber and aloe vera shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with cucumber and aloe vera
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15
minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10
minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes
at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come
off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but
decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your
boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water
pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee all wet surfaces
in shower. Spray mould spots with Jiff.
15. Get out of shower. Dry
with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing
long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to
bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
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